Who Should I Vote For?

Yoyoyoyoyoyoyo.

Looky-here, see. I keep trying to write something about the election, things like “Who Should I Vote For?” and “Is It Worth Voting For A Minority Party?” and that kind of thing, but after a few different drafts and ideas I’ve boiled down my thoughts into the following succinct statement:

Fuck the Tories.

Fuck those venal robbing bastards and their venal robbing bastard mates. Fuck their thoughtless, narrow-minded policies painstakingly designed to appeal to the worst parts of our nature. Fuck their lying liars’ hearts and the black lie-filled ichor those “hearts” pump through their withered veins. Fuck their business-shielding, hospital-closing, murder-by-proxy priorities. Fuck their calculation. Fuck the looks of concern they plaster to their faces when they talk about “working families”. Fuck their opinions on who matters. Fuck their appropriation of tradition, as if the traditions they appealed to were not mere inventions of convenience, as if old somehow meant good anyway, as if nuclear families were ever the norm, as if homosexuality were recent, as if war were noble, as if our continued slander of the poor and desperate, from the workhouses to the dole queue, were something to be proud of.

Fuck them for trying to make me blame the powerless for the ills of society. Fuck them for appealing to my selfishness. Fuck them for appealing to my fear. Fuck them for never once appealing to my compassion or my empathy. Fuck their wilful ignorance. Fuck them for not knowing, not caring to know, what life is like for the millions of people unable to adequately heat their homes or feed their kids. Fuck their snakes’ eyes, and their lizards’ tongues, and their souls made of barren dirt and broken glass.

Oh and fuck UKIP too, obviously, those opportunistic, hateful, badly dressed puddle of fucks. Fuck the very real possibility that the two parties lock lips and hop into bed together in an orgy of cash and hatred, like Bernie Ecclestone and Jeremy Clarkson getting off on the bonnet of a Bugatti against the backdrop of a thousand baby seals weeping. That was a slightly strained analogy and I’m not sure it worked, but I think you get the point. Fuck those guys.

Politics is a dirty business in which compromise is inescapable and ideals are hard to translate into meaningful change. Running a country is probably really fucking difficult. Pleasing a bunch of people who all disagree with each other is impossible, and crazy shit outside of your control like floods and foreign countries run by evil bastards and stock market crashes and energy price hikes are gonna come along and throw all of your lovely plans out of the window. The Lib Dems kinda fucked it up last time by promising a bunch of shit they could never do, then joining up with Team Evil and not doing any of it. Kinda stupid of them, kinda spineless, but I don’t hate them for it. Labour went to war in Iraq, a war that dragged on and caused a bunch of chaos and killed a bunch of innocents. But you know what man, for as many bad reasons as there were for that war, I maintain that there is something to be said for military intervention to remove genocidal dictators. As I wrote in my thing about nuclear subs, foreign policy is always shady as fuck and there are often no good answers or outcomes. I don’t hate Labour for that. As for the Green party, they seem like the Lib Dems all over again to me. Nice policies, not sure how achievable a lot of them are or how effective they’d be in power.

Importantly, none of those parties act like they’d eat the still-beating heart of your newborn child if it’d net them a few more hundred K and they thought they could get away with it.

Vote for whoever, but for the love of your neighbour, let’s have a bit of co-ordination and co-operation among the anti-puppy-kicking end of the political spectrum. Vote tactically, swap your vote, hold your nose and vote for a party that doesn’t quite match your ideals, but vote to kick these motherfucking motherfuckers to the motherfucking curb.

This Is The End Now

Next week marks the one year anniversary of this blog, so everyone’s allowed to bring a toy.